It seems like a crazy question: Why would a woman stay in a relationship with a toxic, manipulative, controlling partner—a narcissist? The answer, as Ina Hansen knows, is actually very complicated.
There is an inner void that the narcissist is filling. For Ina, it was an unstable chaotic childhood with unconscious unavailable parents. A narcissist — very attentive to a woman’s needs at first — will love bomb you immediately (compliment you constantly), mirror your likes, dislikes and act very agreeable. At least that’s how it seems in the beginning.
“It all stems from your childhood,” Ina says. “Was it that you didn’t have a father growing up or your parents were unavailable to you emotionally? It doesn’t have to be a traumatic event, It could just be that your parents didn’t know how to love you because of their own unhealed trauma. If your parents/caregivers didn’t teach you as a young child how to fill yourself up and never felt good enough, you will constantly be seeking external validation, which is why “you are a perfect target for someone who is toxic and who wants to latch onto you.”
When a narcissist has you hooked, an emotional bond, called trauma bonding forms between you and the abuser.
And when the narcissist eventually shows his true colors, (explodes over something most people wouldn’t) you come up with excuses for him: “He’s never done this before, it must be stress, he’s had a tough day”. And when he decides to end the silent treatment after his blowup, which can last for days, and starts “love bombing” her again, making her feel good enough, you resume the relationship like nothing happened. It’s like getting a hit of the drug you are now addicted to. No wonder it is so hard to break free.
In her coaching practice, Ina helps women figure out “why” they were attracted to the narcissist, so she can help them heal through a trauma-informed lens, and never again be a target for a toxic person. “Do the inner work on yourself to break that bond,” she says. “There is a beautiful life waiting for you.” When you are free from the drama, you have the space and peace to start healing, think about your dreams and your values. As Ina puts it, “You are no longer stuck in survival mode, (fight, flight, freeze, and fawn), as if you are being chased by a tiger” It is time to start your new chapter.
My Quote: Everything I’m going through is happening for me, to keep healing and growing living my m
Read more of Ina’s own journey, including the moment she realized that staying in her marriage because of her daughter was the exact opposite of what she should be doing, in the inspiring new book Women Who Boss Up Post-Pandemic, by Tam Luc, the author, educator, and podcaster dedicated to helping women “boss up.” The book collects 16 interviews with women who are side hustlers and multitaskers, who faced the uncertainties of the Covid pandemic — and other obstacles — by embracing their strengths and finding their authentic paths. They have so much to share and to teach, and while every story is unique, there is creativity and perseverance at the core of each one.
To find out about Ina’s coaching, visit liveyourlife.coach or connect with her on Instagram @liveyourlife.coach. You can also learn more at https://bossupbestseller.com/InaHanson, where you will find a link to Women Who Boss Up Post-Pandemic. And don’t miss all the dynamic and supportive women from the Women Who Boss Up book series who are scheduled to speak at the upcoming Women Who Boss Up Summit!
Details and registration are at www.womenbossupsummit.com
About Women with Vision International
Women with Vision International aims to inspire, uplift, and empower women everywhere to never give up their dream of living their life on purpose. We gather dynamic, entrepreneurial women who are making a difference and changing people’s lives to spark conversation around the topics that impact us all such as building their businesses, fundraising, and balancing their work and their families.
About Tam Luc
Tam Luc is an international bestselling author and the founder of Women with Vision International who shares the triumphs, stress, and struggles of balancing her life to help women grow their businesses. After 20 years as an entrepreneur, she is able to help women leverage their messages and create the lifestyle they want through her unique book messaging strategies.
Join us at https://womenbossupsummit.com/virtualsummit